| Aug. 5th, 2006 @ 04:34 am (no subject) |
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Current Mood:  depressed
This is kinda depressing, but these are some things that have been on my mind recently. I have no idea who reads this, so if I say something that offends you, I'm sorry but it's how I feel. So here goes...
I feel like such a failure. I can't seem to do anything right. I didn't graduate high enough in high school, didn't do well in Bible Bowl. I did horrible in college. I did well one quarter and my mom said it was only because they were "cake classes." I bought a TV and my dad nearly kicked me out of the house and disowned me. He called me a liar and said he can never trust anything I say. I was kicked out of ROTC. I changed my major. I don't know what I'm doing in my life. My parents were disappointed about all of these. I have no money, and spent money I don't have this week. I feel like there disappointment is getting worse. It's always Daniel this, Daniel that, never about me. I need to just graduate and get a job so I can get away. They can forget about me. They can have their perfect son, the one who got perfect grades, who studied for Bible Bowl and did well, who's going to be an engineer, whose skinny, the perfect child. Then maybe than can leave me in peace. My mother told be not long ago that she finally "accepted" the fact that I was not a validictorian. Who says that to their child? The one thing I was ever good at my parent made me quit. Then they try to deny that I was good at it. They have never made Daniel quit anything. I don't know how much longer I can take this.
My supervisor at work has been getting on me recently about how I don't hang out with people much on weekends and such. She thinks that I need to go to the mall on weekends with friends and stuff like that. This and a couple other things got me to thinking. I don't don't really have any close friends. Someone I can share my deep dark secrets with. I used to have one, but then she met a boy and it seems like she has drifted away. I tried to hang on, but I can't anymore. She's drifted too far away. She hardly talks to me anymore. I don't think that she think's of me as a close friend. Probably not in the top 20. Just some one that's there. When I joined a Bible Study here my Freshman year, I though maybe there's a chance of some good friendships there. But I've felt like an outsider so many times in the past few years. They go off and do things and rarely invite me. If they do it feels like an afterthought. It's like I'm forgotten. When they were picking roommates, no one wanted to room with me. They all moved in a house together, but they didn't ask me if I wanted to live in a house with them. I have some friends in Dayton that I have hung out with and gone shopping with and such, but that is a little far away for hanging out on a regular basis. I wish there was some one I could talk to about everything, someone who, when I'm having a bad day will say "hey, let's go get something to eat and talk." I suppose some of it may be my fault. I can talk up a storm to people about shallow thing, but when it gets personal, I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to. It's really hard for me to open up about things. I feel so alone, so very, very alone and I hate it. I wish I could have at least one close friend to pour out my heart to.
Well, this went on longer than I intended, but I needed to get these off my chest. Thank you for reading this and I hope you have a better day that I did. Now I should probably head off to bed since it's almost 4:30 in the morning.
Good night! |
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